I’m not sure of the last time I posted here. Not just a link to a podcast or something like that. I mean a real thing I’ve written. It’s kind of fallen to the side.
The last few months I’ve been dealing with making it through that thing we are all dealing with. So far, I’ve been lucky. Possibly luckier than most.
I’ve felt a little ashamed of that and then flat guilty for feeling the shame. All of that is rather silly, but it is also how I was feeling. I was working from home, teaching classes online and making videos to supplement those lessons. I was able to help more around the home and spend more time with my family.
In some ways life was better. That just added to my he feelings of guilt. But as long as I kept moving, those feeling could be pushed under. I needed distractions. I read. I watched. I used the time I once spent on a train to exercise.
But I didn’t write. Doing that made me feel that guilt a little extra. It felt like I was taking to much enjoyment out of the misery of others. And then I would feel I was wasting the time given to me, which added a different layer of guilt.
Again, not trying to make myself into a martyr or anything of the sort. It those were my feelings.
Of the months I’ve spent working from home, I’ve only been able to get into something resembling a writing routine in the past few weeks. It’s been great, even as I watch former self-made deadlines slip by.
I love writing and creating. I just need to make it real in a way where it truly feels like furthering that dream is answering my calling. Right now it still feels like being selfish.
How can I write when there are likely better uses for that time?
I write because I am a writer, but that’s only true if I write. And it would be easier if I put that aside.
But I want to write. I want to celebrate that part of myself more. To give it greater freedom. I think the part of me that celebrates story and words is one of my better selves.
Hope you’ll continue with me as I focus on making that self stronger.